So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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