is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
