im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
