When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
