I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
should my penis look like a turkey
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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