I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
