Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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