really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
