The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
