Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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