i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
