A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
