there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I did not marry a roomba.
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