So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
