I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
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...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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