Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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