Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
