I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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