Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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