So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
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spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."