Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
