Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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