Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
