Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
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