did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
