Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
