if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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