I can tuck mytits in my pants
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
