I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
