So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Shame is for Republicans.
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