Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
