I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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