"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
