I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
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