I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
