Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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