Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
