my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
