Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
