Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
