Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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