The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
