so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
