I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
