There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
