I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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