woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
