And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
