i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
worst night to have a conscience
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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