I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
