Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
