i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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