Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
