i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
