It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
