My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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