I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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