remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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